What am I?
by Reflection of My Tears
Summary: Just Goku's thoughts and feelings when he finds out what he did in the desert to Kougaiji and them. Only wrote it to fill in some time. Review if you want to, I just want to know what you think!


_Disclaimer: I do not (and never will) own Saiyuki. _

_Just what happened (what I think) when Goku finds out what he did in Vol. 6. You know, slicing up Kougaiji, Dougukaguji, Gojyo and Hakkai. Told in third person but tells all of what Goku's thinking and feeling. Okay, Goku may be slightly OOC, so be warned!_

_---_

Large, golden eyes blinked slowly open, the body they belonged to awoken from his slumber due to sudden warmth against his eyelids, only to screw shut again, not used to the abrupt brightness of the midday sun. The teen groaned slightly, half-opening those round orbs to help his eyes grow accustomed to the rays that were scorching down on him.

"Finally awake, eh?"

Crimson eyes glanced at the newly-awoken teenager beside him. Said kid opened his eyes fully to turn and stare at the older man, still groggy from sleep. The man had long, crimson hair and matching eyes, a cigarette between his lips. His brain couldn't comprehend why the man looked slightly strained, as if something was hurting him, and why he had bandages wrapped around his waist.

"Wha?"

As the man smirked down at him, the 18-year-old decided to ignore that teasing sneer and looked around the jeep, wanting to know if the others were awake yet. Upon realizing that the two in the backseat were the only ones awake, he tried to recall the events of the day before. All he could remember was asking Hakkai to do whatever it took to stop him, and then taking his limiter off. Whenever he tried to recollect whatever had happened afterwards, all he was greeted with was a pounding headache. He fingered the gold crown upon his head, wanting to know what kind of power it held within.

"Goku, ya know what you are?"

"Huh? What, Gojyo? And don' say a stupid monkey, you perverted cockroach!"

"Well, I was gonna say stupid chimp, but monkey sounds better."

Goku pouted, glaring at the half-human, half-youkai in front of him. He turned away, looking over at his other two companions, who were still deep in their own dream-worlds.

"Kappa, what happened yesterday, when I took my limiter off?"

The 22-year-old turned to stare directly at him, flamboyant attitude replaced by absolute seriousness. His voice was softer than normal when it questioned the younger kid before him

"You really want to know?"

---

A tear fell from those round, innocent, impossibly golden eyes. He stared at his hands, expecting them to be covered in blood. His body shook, his eyes were wide and swimming with tears. His mind was refusing to grasp what Gojyo had just told him, trying to wash away the blood that had now forever tainted his soul. A second tear fell, then another, and then another, until it seemed small rivers were flowing from his eyes down his cheeks and his mouth, which was open slightly to allow choked sobs to escape, was filled with the salty taste of fresh tears.

"D-did I really do that? Did I r-really hurt everyone?"

"Yes, Goku, you did."

"H-Hakkai…I'm so sorry I hurt you too!"

The youngest of the four companions tackled the smiling, brown-haired man into a hug, sobbing into his shirt. He felt so ashamed, so guilty, like he was the most horrible person in the world. He had been challenged to a death-match, and once he was done with the challenger he had turned upon his travel companions, causing them pain. And he believed he was incredibly atrocious, like his whole being, soul and innocence had been polluted by the blood of his friends that had been spilled by his hands.

He pulled back, unable to meet either one's gaze, once again focusing his attention on his shaking hands, almost able to see traces of blood on them.

_W-What kind of a monster am I? _The question was greeted only by his rapidly churning mind and the silence of his other self, staring tantalizingly back at him from the innermost depths of his lonely soul, bits of the bloodied exploits he had witnessed and caused coming back to him in a blur, impossible to distinguish. Yet no matter how hard he tried, the questions of his perplexed mind remained unanswered, lingering in the background of his thoughts.

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_Well, I hope you liked it. It was kinda short and boring, but I just wrote it to fill up some time, so you don't have to review, but I would like to know what you think of it._


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